There are many things you can do in a long-term committed relationship to “keep the spark alive,” to “not lose the magic,” and to “keep the mystery going”. But why should you bother?
What advice such as “get a nanny for the kids and keep having date nights,” “go on a romantic getaway,” and “make time for each other” really mean is: make sure your spouse knows that they and your relationship are your number one priority, always. That’s it.
There are two main reasons marriages end. One, the couple was incompatible
to
begin with and should never have gotten together. Two, they had everything to make it work, but they failed at putting the marriage first. Need proof?
“It ended because they cheated.”
— Translation: didn’t put the marriage first.
“They gambled away all our money.”
— Translation: didn’t put the marriage first.
“They focused on the kids / their career to the point of obsession. I felt lonely.”
— Translation: didn’t put the marriage first.
And so on.
Getting married is a beautiful thing. It locks you in a partnership for life and makes you feel secure.
The problem starts when a spouse (or both) feels so secure they start to take the other for granted. And that’s when knowing how to give the relationship priority makes all the difference. The problem starts when anything and everything life throws at you becomes bigger and more important than your marriage.
If each of you decides that pursuing your careers, helping your friends out, or even dedicating yourselves exclusively to your kids is the most important thing in the world, you start to drift off towards your separate goals, and when you stop to look around, you’re not a team anymore. You don’t need each other anymore.
Where did the marriage go? Out the window, and you didn’t even notice.
Your spouse is supposed to support you in difficult times. They’re supposed to cheer you on in your pursuits and be there for you when things are not going right. You should, however, always take a step back from whatever the issue is at the moment and appreciate your spouse. That’s when those “make time for each other” and “keep having date nights” advice comes in.
It goes even deeper than date nights, though.
You should never allow the pursuit of your career, a problem with your family, or anything else to shape your life. Why? Because you’re married now. It’s not just your life. It’s yours and your spouse’s combined into one unit, even if you’re still two people.
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