“What if when one of you are in a committed relationship?”
And here’s my answer: whether someone leaves their partner for someone else depends on their value system and, to an extent, their definition of love.
The only time someone else other than your partner would even look like the “right” person is when your current person isn’t, as defined by the above.
So: either they were never “right” or at least one of you didn’t build and foster and commit to the relationship, but either way. There is no “right until proven wrong,” “right until better right comes along,” or “forever until I change my mind.” If they suddenly seem replaceable, it’s because part of your heart always thought so.
This also means you almost certainly chose your partner based on other measures and values.
And what you do with meeting someone new really depends on what those measures and values are on how you view relationships, partners, people, and love. The “right” person is going to be someone who best aligns with you living your values.
If you’re someone who values tradition and security most, the “right” person is the one who best fosters this in the long run.
If you’re someone who values status most, you’ll choose whichever person offers more.
If you value harmony, the “right” choice is the one with fewest hurt feelings and least disruption to the peace in your life.
If you’re someone who sees life (and other people in it) as fluid, you may not see partners as static, one and done, till-death-do-us-part commitments, but rather companions in life to the extent that it’s mutually enjoyable, and in that case the “right” choice is whichever one that supports your personal journey.
If you’re someone who simply values connection and sees love not as “romance” but as a daily decision, you’ll choose the person who makes that work feel most like a labour of love.
And if you’re someone who values your specific partner (and your connection with this specific person) most, you wouldn’t be incentivized to build a competing connection with someone else. Nothing else would stack up — even the temptation of attraction.
I know what I would do. My guidance to anyone else is the above.
But regardless of what choice is made… If you operate from a place of authenticity and honoring your real values, you’ll make the decision easily — and honorably. If you operate from a place of fear, you’ll do it poorly, or in despair.
We have to be emotionally and mentally ready; be well-equipped with good standards — and mostly that means framing up a partner as a human being, not a physical manifestation of our ideals.
We make the timing forever when we are the sort of people who are open to forever, who ready ourselves by not waiting on the universe to hand us things, by getting our shit straight and our heads right, for seeing people in healthy ways and not using people to fill gaps in our hearts.
But after that, yeah, when we’re ready, we’ll find someone that doesn’t even make us wonder whether “now” is right. It just will be.
But here is what we forget when we say the timing was wrong:
“Let’s talk about how our timing’s off.
You see, we couldn’t have planned this out worse.
It would have been infinitely easier to meet you two years earlier or three years later or in a different space or place or country or time zone.
It would have been simpler to meet you in a world where I could wake up nestled tightly in beside you and you could join in each adventure I took on.
It would be marvelous to have all our fates aligned and to see the timing play itself out flawlessly.
But I’m inclined to say we ought to count our blessings.
Because here’s the absolute miracle that we cannot allow ourselves to ignore: out of the billions of years that earth has existed for, you and I ended up alive at the exact same time.
I wasn’t born on your 90th birthday. You didn’t die an untimely death at age 3.”
We were both here now, and the right two people get that.
For people that truly want to be together, they don’t waste another of the few precious moments we’re given to coexist.
So instead of defending why you are cheating, please define what you want and get someone that aligns with them.
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