I once met a man with whom I was willing to go into a very serious relationship with.
We had past the stage of getting to know each other, genotype and blood group, etc. Almost everything was spot on.
He ticked 80% of my boxes.
Then we started discussing children. He said he wanted two or three, and I want two or three too.
The problem started when he insisted that he wanted a boy as a first child. He told me spot on and blatantly that he was going to have a DNA test on our child if it turns out a baby girl. He told me everything that he wants to do with a son, which he wouldn’t be motivated to do with a daughter. He said if we have two children, the first has to be a boy and the second can be any sex. And if we have three, the first has to be a boy and two of the three have to be boys. He was issuing orders as though I have the ability to determine the sex of my baby.
Now, I don’t mind him doing a DNA test on his children. But I had a VERY SERIOUS problem with the fact that he said he would do a DNA only if the first child comes as a girl. He was so confident that his sperm has an excess percentage of y chromosomes. Thus, if I produce a girl with xx chromosomes, he has to check to be sure the child is his.
Do you know how these made me feel? I will tell you…
1. I felt under pressure to do something that was out of my control.
Getting pregnant and going through the hassles of pregnancy is more than enough troubles for a woman. I CANNOT add the stress of getting myself worked-up over how my husband would react if our baby is a girl. Not when I have absolutely no control over what sex my baby would be.
- I felt this man had a hatred for baby girls. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world who would be hated by her father just because she is female (I know of men who dislike baby girls).
The world is by default hard enough as it seems. I can’t bring a daughter into this world to go through such with the man who should love and protect her the most.
I was already having feelings for this guy, and in less than 15-minutes of this conversation, I felt intense hatred for him. I suddenly couldn’t stand him.
I had come to his house to pass the night for the first time.
There and then, I called off the disaster (relationship) that was just about to begin. I told him that I couldn’t go through with spending the rest of my life with a man with his kind of mentality. He wanted to start an explanation but I told him that there was no need. I parked my bag and left his house moments later.
You see, my Dad was an only biological son of his mother and from a family so obsessed with male children. But even after he and my mum had their first three children as girls, my Dad didn’t put my mum under any pressure to produce a boy.
As a matter of fact, they considered stopping at just three children. That’s the reason for the relatively huge age gap between me and my younger brother.
My Dad loved his girls and much as he loved his boy. And he gave us his best. If my Dad had a favourite child, he never showed it. None of me and my siblings can say for sure who was my Dad’s favourite. If he had one, it’s a secret that will go with him to his grave.
That (my Dad) is the type of man I want in my life. And I’m not ready to settle for much less.
Do NOT be scared to have these conversations with potential husbands. Ask them tough questions. If you don’t ask these questions and reach an agreement where necessary, you might encounter issues in marriage.
I have seen a couple who got divorced because the whole family were Canadians. But the husband wanted to live in Nigeria while the wife wanted to remain in Canada. They got divorced after they couldn’t reach an agreement.
Since I heard of this story, I always ask any man who is interested in me “Where do you plan to raise your family”? I also make it clear to them that I’ve got no plans of moving back to Nigeria any time soon.
In 2017, I was asked out by a young man who lives in Nigeria. Everything was ok except the fact that he doesn’t want to leave Nigeria and wants the woman he will get married to to be with him in Nigeria. Since I’ve got no plans of living in Nigeria any time soon, I told him that it wasn’t going to work. He understood. I also understand him. His business is based in Nigeria and as a multimillionaire who makes several millions monthly, it’s unrealistic to expect him to abandon his thriving business for uncertainty in Canada. We are still Facebook friends.
Have these little conversations. They are parts and bits of the information you need in order to ascertain compartibility.
Written by Nkechi Bianze
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